The fear of being alone is so tied to the need to buy. If we began to seek the boredom and joy of our own company we’d be quite the threat to capitalism.
One thing I have discovered over the years is that many people are not actually lonely because they are alone. They are lonely because they have become disconnected from themselves, their purpose, their community, and the things they genuinely care about.
Modern society teaches us to seek constant distraction, constant validation, and constant consumption. Very few people are encouraged to sit quietly, think deeply, build something meaningful, or simply enjoy their own company.
The irony is that once you learn to stand comfortably on your own feet, relationships become healthier, not weaker.
People stop becoming emotional life-support systems and instead become companions on the journey.
I also think there is another layer.
Human beings were never designed to live entirely alone. We are individuals, but we are also community creatures. Strong families, strong friendships, strong local communities, and meaningful shared purpose all matter.
Perhaps the balance is learning to be complete enough within ourselves that we can freely enjoy the company of others without depending upon them to complete us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This one certainly made me stop and think.
The poem is perfect. I think we are conditioned by ?society? To feel like we are empty inside so we try to fill what we believe needs to be filled— or have been conditioned to believe we need to be filled. So we buy jewelry, clothing, makeup etc and never seem to realize we have all we need, we just need to nurture it!!
Such a great way to talk about it!! I too have had times when I longed to be in a relationship but then remember that I was married for 9 years and it was a disaster. Now I am working on finding myself and not be concerned with what others think!! I am getting there—thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!!
I have always enjoyed my time with myself. Married for 48 years, my husband & I value our time together but respect our alone times. We are fortunately still good friends & have always been aligned in our politics. Our grandchildren often express frustration about being bored so this helps me to feel like maybe I can explain how alone time can be one of the best adventures. So thank you so much for this, Nicole.
Thank you, Marcia! It is a self discovery issue, the problem is many young people are discouraged by the immediate lack of results. Once you learn how some activities can bring joy, you get joy just from trying activities. And once you have a set of meaningful things you can choose from at any time, you learn to relax with your silence. The panic and anxiety comes from not being able to feel any control over it.
What stayed with me most was your line about reaching for a person like a wall in a dark room. It feels devastating because it names something so many people live inside without language for it; that moment of mistaking another person’s presence for structural support, and then feeling abandoned when they turn out to be human instead of architecture.
I also loved the way you separate loneliness from simply being alone. How loneliness can exist in intimacy just as easily as in solitude, because what aches is not always the absence of people, but the absence of being met where it hurts.
And that turn toward becoming interested in your own life felt quietly radical to me. Not self-protection. Not withdrawal. More like learning how to become habitable to yourself.
By the end, what stayed with me was not loneliness at all, but permission.
Permission to build an inner life with enough warmth and strangeness that when others enter it, they arrive not as rescue, but as witness.
Beautiful piece. Sharp, generous, and deeply true.
Thank you, Dipti! Always appreciate you going through my texts, your capacity for deep reading is unique and I love how much care you put in sitting in the writers shoes. ❤️
Thank you, Nicole. I think the best writing invites us to inhabit another consciousness for a while. Your pieces make that easy because they are built with such care and curiosity. Reading them never feels like analysis to me so much as conversation across experience.
Brilliant piece, Nicole. I always enjoy and willingly steal moments of solitude because it's the only way to escape the constant distraction. They want us to feel disconnected from the world and more so from ourselves. I also found that the more I tried to sit with myself and my own angels and demons, the more I gained the capacity to connect with people more deeply but there's not a lot of money in that for the ruling class, is there?
One question on the experiment controls… were they allowed to test the button before the 15 minutes? Because, you put 67% of men in a room and tell them not to touch something….
The other 33% hit it when the 15 minutes are up. 😜
I liked your defining statements after the main body of points a lot. decontextualize the complexity of why people are around you, and the perspective shifts more toward gratitude and out of objectification to fulfill a need.
Excellent stuff, Nicole. "the commodification of connection"! It goes into the same despicable bucket as the commodification of hunger, of family, of beauty. Opportunistic people will take any desire, any weakness, and sell it knowing that our very make up is wired to seek it. We need salt and sugar - BOOM - McDonald's. We need love and commitment - BOOM - Hollywood. We want to protect our families - BOOM BOOM BOOM - war.
Thank you, Chad! As capitalism progressed, people found a way to sell anything to you, in exchange for all of what we previously knew as health and society pillars. The netflix guy once said, their main enemy was our sleep, so they found ways to keep us awake in order to use their product, even though that makes so many people sick or useless the next day, and the next day etc.
They are a shower of bastards the whole lot of them (as my granny would have said). There's a great book, The Human Zoo, by Desmond Morris, where he talks about 'superstimulus" - what we are wired to desire. If you think about McDonald's, it's basically two bananas on an apple. Not a single banana inside apart from the staff. Again, a shower of bastards.
Brilliant piece; what a fabulously strong and inventive and disciplined mind. It was a joy to be allowed in. Thanks
Thank you, John! 🙌
The fear of being alone is so tied to the need to buy. If we began to seek the boredom and joy of our own company we’d be quite the threat to capitalism.
Yes, Mila, and it’s always only crap that we buy to stuff that fear. 🤗
Beautiful piece, Nicole.
One thing I have discovered over the years is that many people are not actually lonely because they are alone. They are lonely because they have become disconnected from themselves, their purpose, their community, and the things they genuinely care about.
Modern society teaches us to seek constant distraction, constant validation, and constant consumption. Very few people are encouraged to sit quietly, think deeply, build something meaningful, or simply enjoy their own company.
The irony is that once you learn to stand comfortably on your own feet, relationships become healthier, not weaker.
People stop becoming emotional life-support systems and instead become companions on the journey.
I also think there is another layer.
Human beings were never designed to live entirely alone. We are individuals, but we are also community creatures. Strong families, strong friendships, strong local communities, and meaningful shared purpose all matter.
Perhaps the balance is learning to be complete enough within ourselves that we can freely enjoy the company of others without depending upon them to complete us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This one certainly made me stop and think.
— MJ
Thank you, MJ!
Hi Nicole
The poem is perfect. I think we are conditioned by ?society? To feel like we are empty inside so we try to fill what we believe needs to be filled— or have been conditioned to believe we need to be filled. So we buy jewelry, clothing, makeup etc and never seem to realize we have all we need, we just need to nurture it!!
Such a great way to talk about it!! I too have had times when I longed to be in a relationship but then remember that I was married for 9 years and it was a disaster. Now I am working on finding myself and not be concerned with what others think!! I am getting there—thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!!
As always it’s a great piece of work!!
Jane
Jane, thank you! ❤️🌸
Just brilliant! I sometimes prefer my time alone to having others around. Love them all but the solitude seems to recharge my life battery.
Thank you, Linda!
Very informative
Nice metaphors about electricity and walls. Brilliant choice.
There is a different type of loneliness in not being heard or seen. One must find a way to solve that in spite of reversing their own electricity.
Thank you for reading this essay! 🙌
It was a beautiful write up. You may understand this one
https://thefoxthemoonandthesunlitroom.substack.com/p/loneliness?r=8a2e5k&utm_medium=ios
Your question is what will anyone find when they come visit your mind.
What they will not find, is what I think 😅 haha. I've always enjoyed my alone time, because my mind is always occupied, wandering.
The challenge for me is to remind myself to touch grass sometimes.
Loved reading this!
Thank you, Kasu! ❤️
I have always enjoyed my time with myself. Married for 48 years, my husband & I value our time together but respect our alone times. We are fortunately still good friends & have always been aligned in our politics. Our grandchildren often express frustration about being bored so this helps me to feel like maybe I can explain how alone time can be one of the best adventures. So thank you so much for this, Nicole.
Thank you, Marcia! It is a self discovery issue, the problem is many young people are discouraged by the immediate lack of results. Once you learn how some activities can bring joy, you get joy just from trying activities. And once you have a set of meaningful things you can choose from at any time, you learn to relax with your silence. The panic and anxiety comes from not being able to feel any control over it.
Wow! This moved me deeply.
What stayed with me most was your line about reaching for a person like a wall in a dark room. It feels devastating because it names something so many people live inside without language for it; that moment of mistaking another person’s presence for structural support, and then feeling abandoned when they turn out to be human instead of architecture.
I also loved the way you separate loneliness from simply being alone. How loneliness can exist in intimacy just as easily as in solitude, because what aches is not always the absence of people, but the absence of being met where it hurts.
And that turn toward becoming interested in your own life felt quietly radical to me. Not self-protection. Not withdrawal. More like learning how to become habitable to yourself.
By the end, what stayed with me was not loneliness at all, but permission.
Permission to build an inner life with enough warmth and strangeness that when others enter it, they arrive not as rescue, but as witness.
Beautiful piece. Sharp, generous, and deeply true.
Thank you, Dipti! Always appreciate you going through my texts, your capacity for deep reading is unique and I love how much care you put in sitting in the writers shoes. ❤️
Thank you, Nicole. I think the best writing invites us to inhabit another consciousness for a while. Your pieces make that easy because they are built with such care and curiosity. Reading them never feels like analysis to me so much as conversation across experience.
Brilliant piece, Nicole. I always enjoy and willingly steal moments of solitude because it's the only way to escape the constant distraction. They want us to feel disconnected from the world and more so from ourselves. I also found that the more I tried to sit with myself and my own angels and demons, the more I gained the capacity to connect with people more deeply but there's not a lot of money in that for the ruling class, is there?
Thank you, Himanshu! Definitely no way to monetize our thriving mental health and relationships, that’s why they fight both. https://x.com/netflix/status/854100194098520064?s=20
Well said!
One question on the experiment controls… were they allowed to test the button before the 15 minutes? Because, you put 67% of men in a room and tell them not to touch something….
The other 33% hit it when the 15 minutes are up. 😜
Ahah bet that as soon as they heard “small shock” every man was 👀🤣
Yep. I could, and have, stayed motionless and amused in a room for ages. But, you threaten me with a good time? I’m hitting that button.
Thank you for allowing me to be part of your brilliant mind.💕
Thank you for visiting, Carl! 🌿
A brilliant piece. Informative too and a lot of useful stuff about getting the mind to generate it's own electricity.
That story about the study with the electric shocks is quite something too.
Thank you, Gary! 🌿
What a beautiful piece of work, especially the fears and darkness i felt it closer 💔
Thank you, Hina!
I liked your defining statements after the main body of points a lot. decontextualize the complexity of why people are around you, and the perspective shifts more toward gratitude and out of objectification to fulfill a need.
Mind-opening! Great piece Nicole
Thank you for sitting a bit with me on this essay, Miles! 🌿
Whenever I can!!
Mind blown.
Nicole, hello. Loneliness is not necessarily an enemy. Sometimes, it may be a time to quietly talk with yourself. 😇
Excellent stuff, Nicole. "the commodification of connection"! It goes into the same despicable bucket as the commodification of hunger, of family, of beauty. Opportunistic people will take any desire, any weakness, and sell it knowing that our very make up is wired to seek it. We need salt and sugar - BOOM - McDonald's. We need love and commitment - BOOM - Hollywood. We want to protect our families - BOOM BOOM BOOM - war.
Thank you, Chad! As capitalism progressed, people found a way to sell anything to you, in exchange for all of what we previously knew as health and society pillars. The netflix guy once said, their main enemy was our sleep, so they found ways to keep us awake in order to use their product, even though that makes so many people sick or useless the next day, and the next day etc.
They are a shower of bastards the whole lot of them (as my granny would have said). There's a great book, The Human Zoo, by Desmond Morris, where he talks about 'superstimulus" - what we are wired to desire. If you think about McDonald's, it's basically two bananas on an apple. Not a single banana inside apart from the staff. Again, a shower of bastards.
That’s a good one for my list, thanks Chad!